Again

Who do I think i am exactly?

Focus so much on the outside

I forgot my heart

I forgot what mattered

Until it was broken.

And i couldn’t point fingers

In any other direction,

Couldnt lay the blame on

Anyone else,

Couldnt tell them they

Made my life hell

Bc im the one that did it.

Im the one who hurt me,

Running around chasing my own tail,

I feel so dirty,

Rolled myself up in pleasures

That werent even really that worthy

Of the time i wasted on them.

I ran so hard away

From everything i thought could hurt me

I bit dust and looked up

And saw my own pair of eyes

Looking down in disdain

at my stupid surprise, that stupid smirk

I should have wiped off before i hit the dirt,

I didn’t –

I kept running away from what i thought would hurt.

I didnt know it would hurt like this.

I didnt know i could end up pushing

Every single person around me away,

And if a few have stayed,

God have mercy

On them

Because they showed me the Grace

I never gave them.

Only sacrificed when i had nothing to lose

And everything to win.

Is that even a sacrifice?

Even King David didnt have to think twice

About what he was willing to offer.

I gave you empty promises as permanent

as washable marker.

I gave you lip service and not my heart

I forgot everything i should have loved

And now everything’s ripping me apart.

And while im at it i should probably say

Im sorry to the love of my life,

You know who you are

And I know

You wanted to do it right.

You wanted to follow that calling to be a pastor

And love and mentor the people you care for,

And i know God will use you despite the struggles we’ve gone through,

Because thats the kind of God He is.

But whats weighing me down

Is the fact that I wronged you.

And no one chooses depression but i ignored you

And chose to be there for myself instead of being there for you,

It wasnt self-love, it was selfishness,

And i let it destroy you.

I didnt even stick around to watch you

Become a shadow of who you used to be,

Nineteen and barely holding onto life,

You were there for me when i wasnt alright,

But i never did the same damn thing for you until there were neon headlights,

You texted me and said you didnt want to keep going

And all i did was complain and ask you to come back knowing

That you couldn’t take it anymore….you couldnt take us anymore…..

I wasnt the person i needed to be for you,

I wasnt strong and let you leave for you,

And its taken me not once but several times

Of getting a mouthful of asphalt,

To stop blaming God and admit that I have faults,

Faults ive wanted to ignore until they destroy me.

Faults that caught up and finally came for me.

Focused so much on my weight

I forgot my soul.

Focused so much on my looks

I gave up control of what i should have changed

When i had the time to change it

Instead of obsessing over-weight.

Instead of lifting you up and not being a stumbling block

To the dreams God creates.

So im sorry but i dont know

If ive forgiven myself yet.

I hope theres a day when i dont

Have to regret any more painful mistakes,

Just one slip-up is all that it takes,

And ive definitely fucked up more than once –

Grieved my family more times than i can count,

Kept going back instead of turning around.

And even now im not sure if im really sorry for my sins or just for how it turned out.

And i hope one day I can give out the Grace you all showed me,

Without acting like anything’s owed me –

Im sorry to the ones ive hurt for the person ive been,

I can pick myself up but cant put it all back again,

Ill be here if you need me,

If you’ll let me in.

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